Almost Fine

Hey everyone. I'm sure y'all are wondering why I haven't blogged in a while (or maybe no one reads this anymore and I'm just talking to myself here), so I thought I'd just post a quick update. I have been almost totally disconnected from the internet in the month I've been living with my parents, and to be completely honest, I've really enjoyed it. I haven't felt out of touch like I thought I would, I've actually been focusing more on my "real life" than I have my "online life," and that's the way it should be. And when I feel the need to write my feelings out, I have been writing in a paper journal, where I don't have to worry about being judged or criticized, or about what people are going to think of what I write, I don't have to worry about "retracting" my thoughts if I have a rant, because it's private and nobody is ever going to see it but me.

I've also been spending a lot of time working on myself, working on getting happy with myself exactly as I am now, getting some emotional stability, cutting people out of my life who bring me down, and finding new friends who build me up, and who I can build up, and it has been good. So, I think I'm going to stay "disconnected" for a while. Of course I'll check my email more often once I'm in my own apartment and my internet is up, but I'm not going to read as many blogs as I used to, I'm not going to watch as many YouTube videos as I used to, and I'm not going to freak out if my computer is not on and right next to me every waking hour like I used to. I'm going to make a change, and living with my parents where I don't have 24 hour internet access has really helped me make the adjustment.

So I've appreciated the support over the years... I'll be leaving the blog up, and I may post every once in a while, but for now, this is pretty much it. And if I do update, it will probably just be life updates. No more obsessing about my body and weight loss, no more getting bent out of shape over criticism, none of it. I'm over it. I don't even weigh myself anymore, and if you're wondering why, it's because I'm tired of feeling great, and then seeing the number on the scale, and letting that take my good mood away. So I'm done.

And that's all I wanted to say. Hope you're all doing great.

Oh, in case anyone was wondering, Scott and I are officially divorced. It was finalized on Friday, the 25th, and I changed my name yesterday.

I Want to Break Free

Sorry I haven't updated in so long. Still getting the ball rolling on the divorce and moving out of my parents house. I have my apartment all lined up, and I'm moving on October 29th. Scott and I signed the divorce papers today and had them notarized, and we're filing on Friday after Scott gets paid. So, by the end of the week after next (September 25) we should be officially divorced. And to be completely honest, I can't wait.

Remember the whole "amicable divorce" thing? Yeah, well, that's shot straight to hell. We've had some heartfelt conversations, and Scott has made some revelations to me that have made me realize that our marriage isn't worth fighting for, it never really meant anything anyway, and trying to be friends is just pointless. And after what happened this morning with trying to get the papers signed (so not even getting started on that one, that's what my paper journal is for), I am just ready to get this over with and move on with my life. I'm ready to be a Cunnington again, and to forget the time I spent as a Brandon. Nothing against the Brandon family, but I no longer want to be connected to Scott in any way. Thank God we don't have any children, because that would be a bond that would never be able to be broken.

So, once I get moved in October and get my life back on track, I plan on updating more, although I'll write from here as much as I can. I want to make a video, too, but don't really have any opportunity to get one made and edited and uploaded from here. Not to mention that my computer is currently in the shop, so I have no access to my editing software anyway.

And that's all I have to say for now. I'm still really irritated about what happened today, so I need to go relax and cool down. Talk to y'all later.

I Feel a Change Comin' On

Guess it's time to fess up.

Scott and I are getting divorced.

I am moving out today, and moving back in with my parents for probably 2 months. My stuff is going into storage. I will stay with my parents until I have saved enough money to move into my own apartment, and start life on my own again. It's going to be hard. I've been with Scott for over 3 years, and I've never really lived on my own. Big changes.

We spent Friday and Saturday packing my things up, and I think I cried about 10 times. Every time I would come across a good memory, my eyes would well up and tears would spill down my cheeks. I found our wedding album, and the guest book from our wedding, and our marriage certificate. It was hard.

Scott and I are getting along. This split is completely amicable... which is part of why it has been so hard. We have had some good times together; we have had a lot of good times together. But a good marriage is not made up of good times. We just aren't right together, and it's just time to move on. I still love him and want nothing but the best for him, but I can't be his wife anymore, and he can't be my husband anymore. It's a hard truth, but it is the truth.

Some have suggested counselling, but to be completely honest we are past that point. We went to counselling within the first 2 years of our marriage and it didn't help. Truthfully, we were both just too young to get married. I was 20 and Scott was 25. We didn't know who we were, and we didn't know each other well enough. We didn't discuss what each other wanted out of life, and it's become painfully obvious that we don't want the same things. Our core values don't match up. And those aren't things that can be changed... and you shouldn't expect people to change, anyway.

So, that's that. That's why I haven't written. I haven't known what to say. But since I am moving out today, I figured it was time.

This may seem a little presumptuous of me, but if any of you are feeling particularly giving and would like to help me save so I can move out of my parent's house by November, I have added a 'Donate' button at the top of the right side bar. It's completely secure, as it's through PayPal, and I would be eternally grateful.

Weight of the World

Hey everyone, I am SO SORRY that I didn't post an update this weekend, I fully intended to but then my life got ten shades of crazy. I will try to update this evening after I get home from work. Love you all!

A New Beginning

I have started writing a new blog post so many times, but I just feel like I have nothing of importance to say. I guess I'll just give an update.

I start my new job on Monday! I'm so freaking excited. I had my drug and TB tests on Tuesday of this week, and everything was clear, I went through some paperwork with HR and got my car decal for parking, had my picture taken for my badge, and got the information for my orientation and everything. Then on Thursday I went back and had my TB test read, and then I drove down to the hospital to make sure I know where I need to go on Monday for my first day! Then, Monday I have orientation down at the administrative building for 2 hours, where we get all the information about benefits and we do our W-4 paperwork, and then I go straight to work from there. Believe me, it is going to feel so good to start earning money after so long, and to finally be able to get off the dole.

As far as the whole weight loss/fitness thing? Yeah. About that. I am at a total standstill as of late, but I hope to get back into a routine once I start my job and to start shedding the pounds again. I'm still not going to weigh myself because I understand that the number on the scale is arbitrary and doesn't always reflect progress, but I am going to take my measurements and plan to take them once a month to track whatever changes my body might go through. I still plan on implementing the clean eating tactics I learned reading The Eat-Clean Diet, and hopefully following that will help me get down to my natural weight and to stay there, for once and for all. I'm so tired of this battle.

Well, that's all I have time for this time. I have unread blogs to read and get cleared out of my Google Reader and videos to watch in my YouTube subscriptions, then I need to get some writing done in my offline (paper) journal, so I'm all caught up before work starts Monday. So I'll catch up with y'all later. Seacrest out.

Come In Closer

I found a fantastic blog today, The Belly Project, which is basically just a collection of pictures of bellies. Its purpose is to show that bellies come in all shapes and sizes, and that with every stage of life they change. I'm really not explaining it very well, but I thought it was amazing, so I think you all should just go check it out and submit your own bellies! I did! And thanks to Heather who posted about it on WeAreTheRealDeal.com, otherwise I would probably never have known about it.

Speaking of bellies... I have to admit, I actually kind of like mine. I don't like the size of it so much, but I do in fact like the shape, the roundness of it, the way my skin there feels soft. I like to touch it, and feel it's round softness. To me, a round, soft belly speaks of femininity, fertility, sexiness. Sure, everyone likes a flat stomach, that's obvious, but there's is also something to be said about a belly that isn't so much concave as it is convex, even in the slightest. Plus, is it just me, or is it a little creepy when a person's stomach is so concave that you can see the bottom of their ribcage?

So, in other news... still haven't heard anything on the job. Still don't know when I'm starting. Moving on...

I haven't finished reading The Eat-Clean Diet yet, but I'm almost there, and I've been working on implementing it into my diet. I have definitely not been perfect at it, but I'm really working on it and hope to get the hang of it with constant practice. Some of the ideas I don't quite agree with (for instance, I'm sure Tosca Reno would not consider Kashi Heart to Heart cereal a clean food, because it has evaporated cane juice in it, but it's whole grain and I love it so I'm not giving it up) but for the most part it seems to be a sound eating plan, so with some very slight adjustments, I really think I can follow it for a vast majority of the time. I'll keep y'all updated.

And that's all I have for now. It's 4:30 am (MDT) and I have not been to bed yet. That's where I'm headed now. Hope y'all have a great day!

Oh, P.S. MizFit linked to me today, so welcome to all who clicked over from her site! Glad to have you!

Picking Up Pieces

Sorry it's been so long since I've written, I just haven't really known what to say lately. The other day I broke down and went and bought The Eat-Clean Diet and I started reading it immediately. I'm on chapter 5, and so far, I really like it! I really like the look and feel of the book, the pages are glossy and very colorful, like a magazine, and it makes it feel very fun to read. The information is quite helpful, too, and Nia was exactly right when she told me the book is very companionable to Intuitive Eating. If you take the principles of Clean Eating (protein and complex carbs at every meal, 6 small meals every 2-3 hours, and eat unprocessed foods) and combine them with the principles of Intuitive Eating (eat when you're hungry, stop when you're satisfied) then really I don't see how you could go wrong.

So, this is what I'm working on now. It's definitely difficult to give up processed foods, and I know it's going to take a while, and that I will never be perfect at it. But I just want to focus on being healthy and filling my body with the nourishment and nutrition it needs, and taking care of myself the way I need to. And I don't want to focus on what the scale is doing, because if I'm doing the right thing, I will feel it, without having to deal with the emotional roller coaster of seeing how the scale interprets it. We all know that so many things can cause fluctuations in weight, and I don't want to deal with the way those fluctuations affect my mood when I see them.

Anyway, enough about that. In other (job) news, I talked to my "boss" (the person who offered me the job) last Wednesday, and she said HR is holding off for a week or two to deal with some other issues, so I should hear from them soon. She said if I didn't hear from them in a week to call her again, so I called her yesterday and left a voicemail, and she didn't call back today but hopefully she or HR will call soon. I'll be sure to keep y'all updated.