Erin posted a blog yesterday about finding some old emails from a "friend" of hers who was always pushing her to lose weight. She linked to an older post she had made about this "friend" back in July, and since I never read it, I clicked. Basically, he told her he was very attracted to her "from the neck up," and that if she could just fit into a size 8, they just might have a chance together, and in the meantime, he'd just get the sowing of his wild oats out of the way. What a kind man, right? Well, anyway, she talked about how all of this time that she has been trying to lose weight and become healthier, she has always had his voice in the back of her head, as does every woman who tries to lose weight, which symbolizes "the basic desire that anyone feels to be adored, accepted, beloved for who she is." She also says (and I hope she doesn't mind the direct quote):
...it may not necessarily be just an old boyfriend or a thoughtless teenage boy in high school or whatever...it could be a mother, or a girlfriend, or even just a stranger on the street who made a snide comment in passing...but those voices exist, and it takes a lot of strength to rise above the basic sentiment of you're not good enough for me.
It reminded me of my own "voice," of a man who told me I wasn't good enough for him, and how that pushes me, to this day, to get to that goal and to be a healthy person.
About 2 years ago, I met this guy. And I fell head over heels. We did the casual dating thing for a couple of weeks, and finally he decided he just knew I wasn't the one he was looking for. He said he had a clear picture of her in his head, her personality and whatnot, and I just wasn't her. I said I understood, but I still wanted to be friends, so we still did the friends thing. In fact we did the friends with
benefits thing. He was still the only guy I was seeing at the time, and I was the only girl he was regularly spending time with. The only thing that changed was that he pretty much told me to count on it ending once he found "the one."
Well, one of those nights we decided to go out to eat, at Hooters (why Hooters? No clue. The wings?) We happened to notice a waitress whose thighs were a little thick for her neon orange hotpants, and we both said something. A few minutes later, as we'd been sitting in relative silence and I was taking a bite from my burger, he said "That's another reason I know I couldn't be with you. I need someone skinny." At this point in time, I was only about 12 pounds away from my goal, which at the time was 125. So I was pretty slim. I put down my burger, and didn't touch anything else on my plate. When he noticed, he said, "What, now you're not going to eat?" and I didn't respond. I couldn't even look at him. So he explained, "My father has diabetes because he is overweight. I'm afraid the same thing will happen to me, because once I'm older I won't be as skinny as I am now. So I need someone who's also skinny, so that she can make sure I never get fat." I told him, "You realize that some skinny women, especially at our age, might just be skinny? It might not have anything to do with their health or lifestyle? You could find someone who weighs 100 pounds, and she could eat the same way I do, and she might just be one of those 'lucky' people who genetics didn't shit on, like you." He said he realized that, and he knew he was shallow, but it was just how he felt. I don't think I ate much the rest of that week.
Shortly after that, he met a girl who he thought was "the one," and told me (in these exact words) that she was more important to him than his friendship with me. We (understandably) didn't speak for over a year. When we finally were able to be civil to each other again, I was terrified to let him see me, because I was so much heavier than I was back then, and I obviously wasn't good enough for him even then. By this point I was already married, but his opinion still mattered so much because of that conversation we had. We never spoke about it again, but I don't think I'll ever forget it. I think he is part of the reason I keep trying, even when I fail at my weight loss I always start again. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I will always hear his voice saying, "
You're not good enough for me." And that will always be a driving force for me, and someday I
will reach my goal, and I
will be healthy, and he'll end up with a toothpick of a girl who has no sense of healthy eating whatsoever, and I'll be the one who's better for it in the end.
